you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of j�ger and an empty bed here Friday.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Randomize
