The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
