How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I thought i didnt really feel whatever i snorted last night until i just realized i think i asked this dude to punch me fight club style
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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