i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
The only flat surface we had was a cheez it box so we snorted the blow off of that. Rock bottom really isn't that bad.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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