I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
Well, i'm not sure how that works so i wish both you and your vagina luck on your voyage.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
