why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
Text me some of your sweat
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
