Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
I would feel bad that's he's locked out naked, but the world should really see that.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
