So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Randomize
