I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
fuck you and your stupid hot as hell face
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
So, then you thought it was a good idea to dress up like the Hamburglar, buy a bag full of McDonalds hamburgers, go to Burger King and throw them at everyone while screaming "HAMBURGLAR!". At that point there was no stopping you.
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
Randomize
