Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
He was in Alberta for less than a week and is already banned from 6 bars. I fear for his general well-being over there.
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Randomize
