Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
