I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
