Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Let me tell you the story of bicurious george
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
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