jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
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