Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
im covered in puffy paint and glitter i cant find kevin and im wearing shoes that dont belong to me....come get me please
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
I'm on strict orders from her to keep sleeping with you until you give her a job next summer.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
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