Dude my mom stole all your condoms
My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
