i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I had total buyers remorse when i finally got him naked. All that effort for a dude that hairy? Come on.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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