Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
my mom just poured a water bottle of wine to take my dog on a walk...
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
