The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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