I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
just go where the car takes you. fingers crossed its here with breakfast.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
I’m going to bedazzle that dick
What does that even mean
No idea, but I guarantee he’ll get hard every time he remembers it
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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