Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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