Sometimes I think my vagina thinks its a penis.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
The guy had great intentions when throwing us free beer off the balcony... but of course I was the one to get hit in the face because that's the kind of luck I have
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
Randomize
