So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
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