Today a TA in one of my classes told me he thought I was 35 and going back to school as an adult learner. Alcohol is working me.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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