I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
At least it earned you a couple drinks. And something tells me you've touched grosser things with less incentive.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I'm trying to secure Christmas dick. Idgaf if he has strep or not.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
