I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
You need a sexual gate keeper
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
Randomize
