My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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