i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
i believe in u and ur pee
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
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