I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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