turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
she squeaked mid orgaism. I laughed she cried
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
