bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
i came on her dog
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
You ruined the universe
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
