I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
Oh i know my limit. 9 shots after i've given blood.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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