your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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