You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
I made a booty call at 3:30 am on a Monday... I think I just became the ultimate female fuckboy. I don't know whether to be ashamed or get myself a trophy.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
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