he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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