Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
