I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Randomize
