You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
And then he said he wanted to "get really weird with me on my horse." I took that as he wants to fuck me while riding my horse. Could be a good time.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
not ubering you a puppy
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
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