are we going to glenview for practice??
(3 hrs later) aids
where r u? what is story? im way too high right now
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
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