WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Randomize
