Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
