I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
