I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
i definitely signed you up to receive text message notifications from a jukebox last night. Not even sorry.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
