Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I forget, are we banging TA’s for grades this semester or not?
Depends on how cute he is
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
