Are we in a gay sports bar?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
Randomize
