I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
id tell you what to do, but my morals dont exactly scream, "Listen to this guy!"
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Shame - the story of my life.
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
