i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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