i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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