That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Randomize
