I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
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