Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
i cant cry in cvs. not again.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
You'd think that a rotation of two 30 year old men could keep me satisfied... WHY ISN'T THERE A MAN THAT CAN KEEP UP WITH MY HEALTHY SEXUAL APPETITE?!
Randomize
